More accurately, we need more passion in church, and especially among our married couples. Yes, I’m talking New Year’s Eve, Times Square, just-home-from-the-war passion.
Where are the men on the matter of passion in the church? Harold Velasquez, one time program director for Promise Keepers, lamented the plethora of “Jesus is my boyfriend” songs. He says men can better identify with “warrior” songs. Churchformen.com’s David Murrow agrees that when men sing, they would rather feel like they’re “stepping onto a battlefield. On the other hand, many praise songs make you feel as if you’re stepping into a bedroom.” Buried within that view is a big part of the issue. Christian men, and church members at large, have surrendered their passion to the world.
We’ve noticed young couples actually cuddling in church services. Arms around each other, holding hands, hands on thighs, looking at each other’s faces. This is very good, – a reflection of authentic, godly intimacy in a very intimate place, the sanctuary.
What’s the problem with PDAs (public displays of affection)? It’s not the affection. It’s the unrestrained affection between unmarried people. Checking myself here. Am I judging other people’s commitments? Maybe. But I also know firsthand that affection without commitment is emotional abuse. Rather than society’s gorging media overdose on physical lust, soap opera partner swapping, teen vampire hotties, soft-core at the checkout stand and hard core porn just-a-click-away, how about a more public representation of passionate affection between married couples?
(Much respect to Relevant Church in Tampa, FL for their “30-day Sex Challenge” back in 2008.)
Fully given to each other, married couples have the high privilege, calling and honor of fully possessing each other physically. It all happens behind closed doors. I say, let it out just a bit. The world is so confused by the abuse and misuse of sexuality, we need happy married couples to show us the way.
I was thinking about this “sloppy, wet kiss” when it all became clear to me. When Jesus came to earth, as an astounding display of God’s love for humanity, his arrival was more like a big ol’ affectionate smooch. Yes it was a “holy kiss,” but it came with the spilling of amniotic fluid, and labor pains, and a sticky, wet baby crying out to fill its lungs with air.
Was that demure? Is the birth of a baby ever discreet? I’ve witnessed four births, and I can tell you that they are noisy, raucous events. I’m thinking God’s love for us is unrestrained and enthusiastic, the way a young husband is with his bride. In fact, that’s exactly the way husbands are supposed to be toward their wives. Paul painted this picture powerfully in his letter to the church at Ephesus, chapter 5. Most of us throw up our hands, not able to figure out our marriages or “Christ and the church,” so we call it a “mystery.”
Instead of identifying with the bride of Christ in our devotions, husbands should be identifying with the Groom, Jesus - God - the Christ, the initiator of this cosmic love affair. Of course, husbands are not God, we are members of the church, the Body of Christ, the Bride. But men are supposed to see this relationship from the husband’s point of view.
It’s a brain buster, I know. We are so used to calling ourselves the Body of Christ, the Bride. But as men, we are never fully comfortable with this designation. And we do not have to be. Paul has set us free from identifying with the Bride. We are called to identify with the Groom. We are to be the initiators of spirituality in the marriage. Imagine what would happen to our faith if we considered what it really means to love someone the way God loves us.
There is no need to be soft, reactive, and beautiful. We can identify with the Groom by being resolute, initiating and strong in character (a most attractive attribute on men, I am told).
For worship leaders, it may seem to be a challenge to find songs for a congregation that reflect God’s heart toward us, but the Bible is full of God’s expressions of love toward his people. And you would be surprised how men join in on those parts. (Please comment with your suggestions.)
Here’s my vision of a “romantic” Sunday at church. (Any pastors who think they can get away with it, please let me know how it went.)
1) Your moment is in the middle of the worship set (if you’re one of those sing-first, preach-later kinds of churches), after a song ends.
2) Have the instruments play in the background, and call attention to the married couples in the audience.
3) Talk about the love between them, and the love God has for us.
4) Offer a word to the singles and those attending without their spouse: “don’t feel left out. Please help us celebrate the joy and holiness of marriage and cheer on the couples who are here this morning. And if you are married, you might want to tell your spouse about today’s service and do some ‘homework.’”
5) Instruct the couples to hold hands or put their arms around each other.
6) Now prepare them. Tell them, “Husbands, I’m going to ask you to kiss your wife, and kiss her like you haven’t since your wedding day. We will do this together on the count of three. Now look at your spouse. Men, think about how God loves us, and look at your wife with that kind of love. We need to show the young people how much fun it is to be in love and married.
7) Hold it. Anybody need a breath mint? (pass them out)
8) Are you ready? One – two – three! (And pastors, have your wife with you.)
9) Hit the cymbals! Strike the strings! It’s a mid-worship crescendo!
10) After this Sunday morning love-in, sing a great anthem of the church, and see how much gusto you get from all those thankful – Jesus-minded men, and their grateful, church-minded women.
I am for promoting the profile of marriage and romance within marriage in the public square. I am for modeling passion among Christians. I am calling for, asking for a holy imprimatur from the church for such a kiss. And I believe such a display of unconditional, "agape" love between married couples in the sanctuary of the church before so many witnesses is beyond physical "eros" love. It would indeed be holy before Almighty God and instigate more badly-needed affection between couples. Most importantly, I believe men who identify with Christ as Groom will more readily, easily, consistently love their wives as Christ loves the church.
I feel like I’ve been set free. I don’t have to sing like the Bride any more. From now on, I will sing like the God who loves his people. I will sing like the Groom. That identity will teach me how to love in a dramatically new way. I can’t wait to get to church. I might even kiss my wife without prompting - right there in church. Dig that P.D.A!